Here’s my last song about you, Rachel. It’s different from the others. More different than anything I’ve ever written. I wrote it from the heart. I hope you hear me and feel my soul in this song. 

I left the title blank. You can fill it in if you so wish.

Love, you’ve changed me.

Not for the better, but for the worse.

You’ve constantly thrown me to the ground,

Those cries in my heart were daily sounds.

The internal pain became the external pain,

Tearing me day by day, piece by piece.

The last piece left was the piece of love and hope, 

Weak, but still standing.

Love, you tortured me.

You made me think love was coming to me,

But the devil you are, ‘twas never reality.

You waited to see my state of mind, hiding there,

And then, with full force and throttle, you ripped that last piece,

Leaving me in darkness, distress, and despair.

I fall, I cry,

So much pain,

I want to die.

So fare you well, Love,

So cruel, so evil,

I will never see you in the life up above.

Rachel called me last night. She said she only wanted to talk. It was nice to hear her voice; it’s so soothing to the ears. It was only a few seconds during the phone conversation that we dove deeply into each other’s thoughts. She said she wanted me to see her. 

“I need to tell you something.”

Her tone when she said this was not one of love and heartfelt emotion. Her voice was so stale. It didn’t come from the heart. 

“What is it you want to tell me?” I asked.

“Henry, Richard and I are having a baby. I’m pregnant.”

At that moment, I felt a stab in my heart. It was so painful to hear her voice now. This stab left a wound that will never be healed. 

I was silent. I couldn’t move or blink. I felt my heart go numb.

Several seconds of silence went by, and in a light voice, she said,

“Henry? Hello?”

I was in utter despair. Soon enough, I hung up the phone, still in a daze. I felt time stop, and a sense of finality crept in my heart.

There was no light anymore, only darkness. I floated into a deep dark hole. Once you’re in that hole, you can never get out. It hit me then and there. Why should I live if living is darker than death? Love is lost and will never be found. I’m stuck on this dark road; there’s no bypass, there’s no detour, there’s no exit; there’s only one destination: death.

I haven’t been outside much. I’ve been a willing captive in my room, writing songs, dark songs that is. These dark songs are about you, Rachel. I dream about you, Rachel. I dream about us escaping to a whole new world where transparent love lies between us and lust and intense emotion grab us to the highest level of eternity. Oh! How it makes me smile just thinking about it! We are destined to be together, Rachel. I just wanted to confirm that.

I haven’t made many friends here. I’m self-absorbed by my love and heartfelt passion for you! You’re the only person who gets me, who understands me, who loves me! I pretend you’re in my room with me, listening to my songs about you. I see you cry with ever so love and passion! And I swear, I’m not dreaming! When I’m cold, your soft skin warms me up. 

Here are a few lines from my new song Rachel. It’s a little different to my other song. But it’s deep, like our love is deep.

It’s called “Rachel- My Darkness of Light, My Light of Darkness”

Light. Darkness. Shadow. Silhouette. Tessellate.

My love, you emulate these mixed patterns of life,

Resulting in unstable emotions, which only aggravate.

But your image of beauty strikes me, no strife.

I’m up, I’m down. 

I smile, but most of the time, I frown.

It’s hard for me to turn that frown upside down. 

Pain of love and love of pain; they numb me, they paralyze me.

With a high frequency, they hit me like a dark melody.

I sense, I feel, I fear,

Yes, my love, death is near.

I miss home. Have you ever had that feeling when you are so depressed that you don’t want to get out and do anything? All you want to do is stay in your bed and avoid the light outside? Well, that’s me. My image of life is getting dimmer and dimmer. I am not in good spirits. My love for Rachel has taken over me, controlling my mind and making me doubt myself. What is the purpose of living if life is so damn complicated?

Rachel is the only thing on my mind. She moves me in the ever-most subtle ways. She’s deceptive, cunning, and passively destructive. She’s a mystery to me that I need to solve. She’s a disease that is so insidious it harms me. But for some reason, I like the effect it has on me. It brings me to a new state of mind. My love for her is incurable. Love hurts, as they say.

Should I call her? No, I shouldn’t. Don’t do what your heart tells you to do. Distance is what you need right now. Focus on your music. Time, Henry, time.

I have to leave town. I have to get away from this mess I’ve pulled myself into. I have to leave her. I have to forget about her and move on to a new life. I’m going to head up north for a while and see where that takes me. I’ll tell my boss I need a leave of absence. 

My irrevocable and enduring love for Rachel stands in the way; it feels like I’m in a rush for something I can’t hold on to… I need time to slow down a bit. Rachel seeps deeper and deeper into my heart, forming a hole. I feel weak. I need to clear my head. Goodbye Rachel. Enjoy life with Richard. I’ll be fine, don’t worry. Don’t worry.

It was Wednesday yesterday. I went to Pier del Teatro just to clear my thoughts. I felt that my life was getting a little bit complicated, and playing guitar at my favorite spot with the ocean as my audience was the solution. I needed simplicity in my life.

I was at the Pier for at least 3 hours. Time flies when you’re thinking. I wrote a song about Rachel. I wrote about my feelings toward her. It was so moving to write about her, thinking about her beauty, gentle kindness, and loving care. I’m not going to lie but I cried a few times as I was writing this. Yes, I know, I’m a sentimental guy, and I love it.

I want to perform it for her sometime. I think she would like it; I really hope so.

Here are a few lines from my song, “Radiating Rachel”

When I see you, my heart beats loud,

So loud, it mutes the sounds of the crowd,

Your voice is like a melody,

So gentle, so beautiful, it resonates with me.

Your beauty, your smile, nothing can compare,

You see me, I see you, and we know, love is there.

My O My, Rachel sure knows how to please me! It’s the little things about her that I find so attractive. Richard was on a business trip, and I spent the day at their house. We played guitar and sang some songs. I taught her the solo in “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. As I was teaching her the solo, I found some weird but appealing things about her:

1.) She breathes at an irregular pace when she gets nervous

2.) She says “rats!” when she makes a mistake on the guitar*

3.) Her knuckles start to get red and hot when she feels rushed

Noticing these little things make me feel one step closer to her. In the end, she got the solo down! I hope we do a duet performance at Lestat’s some time and sing “Landslide” together! I play the chords and she plays the solo! Yes, just thinking about it gives me butterflies. Music and love. What can be better?

*My favorite

It’s been a while since my last post! I’ve been busy writing songs and visiting Rachel at her house. Her house is warm and inviting, and like I thought, it’s filled with fond and bright memories. Richard and Rachel are also such great hosts! They’ve lived in that house for over three years! Richard is a wonderful man, such a gentleman. He is the chef of the household. Ah! I shall take up that skill with much enthusiasm! I’ll certainly be watching Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network to enhance my cooking techniques! Bon Appetit!

On my first visit, she showed me around the house. You know where she first brings me? Her art room! It was incredible. It is a loft where the muses inspire her next creation! Depth and creativity fill this sacred space. I am content and satisfied being in this room with her. 

After the tour, we all sit down and have dinner. Richard made his favorite dish, Risotto alla Milanesa with cauliflower cheese on the side. It was one of the best meals I’ve ever had! Was I in Florence? The dinner conversation was lively. Richard, why! He's very sophisticated. And like me, he is a deep thinker. He has great taste in music as well! We went deep into discussion about all the concerts we’ve attended. Funnily enough, we have both gone to the Coachella Music Festival for the past five years! Small world, isn’t it? I have a lot of respect for Richard. I’m pleased to see that he treats Rachel well, as he should.

The best part of the night was hearing Rachel’s laugh. It is so cheerful, so happy. It certainly resonates with me. I would be a happy man if I heard that laugh every day.

It was a night to remember. Cheers to life!